the resident evil movies

resident evil (2002)

yo it me your favorite paul w.s. anderson apologist here to remind you that the resident evil movies are good actually??? like, this one is basically just a perfectly passable zombie movie with one or two resident evily elements and really bad cgi and the sequels are basically just perfectly passable action hero vehicles for milla jovovich (think an arnold schwarzenegger movie but with a hot lady instead of him) with one or two resident evily elements and bad cgi and yeah i’ll take it!

also it’s paul w.s. anderson so everything is brightly lit and the camera is always moving like michael bay but for some reason less offensively like there’s a different universe where anderson had bay’s slot as the super actually successful director with this kind of style that studios actually trust with money AND I WANT THAT UNIVERSE, GUYS. i want that universe.

oh also i’m very gay for michelle rodriguez in this one and she says a few very horny/dommy things and i’m into it.

anyway, yeah. these are fun. i like them. b-rank

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

resident evil: apocalypse

it’s tempting to say the reason this is the worst one is because paul w.s. anderson didn’t direct it (at least, it is for me), but extinction is the only other one not directed by anderson and it’s one of my favorites of the series. also, like, apocalypse isn’t the worst of the series by much! it kind of stuck in my mind as The Bad One for years, but really it’s on about the same level as the rest of its siblings, just a bit behind them.

also, this is the start of milla jovovich: action hero being the central thrust of these movies, so, that’s awesome!

resident evil is badly overdue for one of those It’s Good Actually popular critical renaissances like fast & furious got, but i don’t think it’s ever gonna happen, and that’s just really sad!

the ghostbusters movies

ghostbusters (1984)

“do you believe in ufos, astral projections, mental telepathy, esp, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the loch ness monster, and the theory of atlantis?”

so, let me get this straight. in one corner, you have gozer the gozerian. a nonbinary deity whose chosen form in the movie is a femme with massive Will Step On You energy. their keymaster directly told a horse that all prisoners will be released when gozer is in power. gozer later transformed him into a dog, and upon transforming back he was clearly less than thrilled about being a human again. at their back is a literal motherfucking army of the dead that they don’t even need because they are clearly capable of taking on just about any force the earth can throw at them by themself.

in the other corner, we have the ghostbusters and the city, state, and county of new york.

the ghostbusters. you know. two scientists with their heads in the clouds, a guy just looking to collect a paycheck who both movies barely acknowledge his existence even when he’s onscreen to the point where you kinda wonder why they bothered including him at all, and their de facto leader who is a fairly accomplished con artist and a fairly unaccomplished sex pest. those guys. who the movie shows bravely show standing against the horror of *checks notes* any government oversight of businesses whatsoever.

and the city, state, and county of new york. you know. one of the most racist and corrupt city governments in the world, whose police force is basically a private army whose primary purpose is harassing marginalized groups and hemming them in to “their” parts of the city, keeping them away from the parts frequented by tourists and people who wear expensive italian suits. honestly, the only good thing about new york is actually showcased in the opening act: the new york public library.

and you want me to fucking root for THE SECOND TWO???