october might be over, but we’re keeping the spooky vibes going! part 3 of this review series will continue with some major werewolf movie franchises unrelated to the universal monsters series we covered in part 1!
the howling (movie 1981)
between this and the first halloween and probably tons of other movies i’m forgetting, i think every time i find myself not caring for a classic of horror cinema the first time i watch it, a second viewing after some time has passed should just be mandatory. because i really didn’t like the howling the first time i saw it? i actually thought it was kinda boring, that there wasn’t enough werewolf stuff in it, and that when there was werewolf stuff in it i wasn’t terribly impressed? and having just watched it again, all i can really say is uh, yeah, wow? no?
first of all, it is not boring. like, let’s just get that out of the way. and like… it’s not just that it’s not boring, it’s also that it’s not boring in ways that you would think i specifically would be hella into. (and, y’know, i am now, but what the fuck was going on the first time i watched this???)
i mean, we’re talking about a movie that literally opens with a journalist investigating a red light district and the werewolf who probably turned her makes her watch some kinky rape porn first, which i’m sorry this is all sounding super up my alley isn’t it?
second of all, the relative lack of werewolf stuff in the first two acts truly enhances the unrestrained explosion of werewolf stuff in the third act. seriously, damn.
there’s also just an undercurrent of sexy danger throughout the entire movie that just super worked for me this time? and i must’ve somehow completely missed this aspect of it the first time i watched it, idk!
also, holy shit, robert picardo was hot as fuck as a shirtless shaggy-haired werewolf boy??? i’m never gonna see the star trek: voyager doctor in quite the same light again.
the werewolves themselves are basically a bdsm sex cult? which could’ve been a bit more explicitly & interesting, but when you combine it with how the movie began & the undercurrent of sexy danger that pervades the entire movie, fuck it’s just delicious.
idk wtf was wrong with me the first time i saw this, this movie owns. a-rank
howling ii: stirba: werewolf bitch (movie 1985)
this is the only other howling movie i had already seen. i was really hoping a rewatch would be as kind to it as it was to the first movie, but unfortunately i still really don’t love it.
it does have stuff going for it, at least. the bisexual werewolf threesome coulda been a lot kinkier, but there’s way more kink going on in their general vicinity than, say, in the average hellraiser movie? but other than that idk.
the plot of this movie was basically nonexistent and whenever it wasn’t being kinky it was kinda boring af. and the movie is also super racist towards romani people and thinks little people are inherently funny, so yeah, there’s also… that. honestly the only thing keeping me from giving this lowest marks is all the bondage & cheesy werewolf shit (when it bothers to do cheesy werewolf shit).
oh, that pop song they keep using throughout the movie is annoying af, and just having the band hang out at their orgy being a painfully generic 80s pop band is wild, it’s so wild, like that totally kills the mood man! c-rank
howling iii: the marsupials (movie 1987)
this is… awful? and kinda baffling?
it’s just one of those ozploitation movies, a genre i’m somewhat familiar with thanks to having watched a bunch of them when i did a year-long cult/ horror movie challenge a few years back when i was more of an avid letterboxd user. but they kinda shoehorned in some hilariously bad lycanthropy so they could attach it to this series?
literally the only thing in this movie that’s worth a damn is the comically bad scene of someone falling out a skyscraper window. it’s like something you’d see in a monty python sketch but it’s in a theatrically released franchise horror movie. incredible.
i was floored by the news that this was theatrically released, btw. i knew that a lot of the sequels were direct-to-video, and i spent the entire time watching this one assuming based on its quality that it was pretty clearly one of them, but apparently they actually expected people to pay to watch this. wild. d-rank
howling iv: the original nightmare (movie 1988)
hey i have an idea! what if we remade the first movie but just like drastically worse in every way? just like… covering the exact same ground as the first movie, but removing literally everything that made the first movie actually fun or interesting. also like, if we could do it on a budget of like 20 dollars that would be super. sound good to everyone?
apparently this movie’s claim to fame is that it stuck closer to the source material, and if that’s actually the case i’m kind of super glad i ended up not prioritizing the novels among all the other werewolf fiction i crammed into this season? because yikes.
look i’m sorry i don’t like being as negative as i’ve been with these last few movies, but it was a genuine struggle to get through this one. the most actually entertaining thing about this movie is how genuinely bad its production values are? like they literally couldn’t afford on-set audio so they just dubbed all the lines later, and omfgosh it super shows? it’s kind of funny for like a few minutes but then it just makes it impossible to get into the movie at all because there’s just this uncanny disconnect between the space you see the characters in and the space it sounds like they’re in.
i fully expected the wooden performances & awful special effects, btw. this super isn’t my first experience with no-budget horror. but there is just no competence on display here whatsoever. every facet of the production is just completely lacking. the worst part is, my complaints are probably actually making this movie sound more interesting than it actually is, so i feel i need to hasten to remind you that in spite of being a sloppy mess, it is somehow also like watching paint dry. it’s just awful in every possible way, guys. d-rank
howling v: the rebirth (movie 1989)
wow what a massively missed opportunity. i actually had some hope for this one going in because it’s a fucking werewolf murder-mystery??? in a castle??? and i don’t know about y’all, but that sounds dope af to me!!
unfortunately it’s not a good murder-mystery and there’s like maybe a grand total of 15 seconds of on-screen werewolf stuff if you add every shot with a werewolf in it together, so that’s a pretty big splash of cold water! and the terrible acting & editing just defies description.
it’s a shame, because the kinda cheap-looking castle interiors are a serious vibe. like, a competent murder-mystery or a competent werewolf movie in this setting woulda been ten kinds of awesome. but alas, ‘twas not our lot. d-rank
the howling vi: the freaks (movie 1991)
come for the werewolves that are supposedly there, get duped into watching a boring ableist trashfire about a freakshow that spends more time on church getting painted than basically any other plot point. dnf
the howling: new moon rising (movie 1995)
wow so. i was actually kinda onboard with the idea of a howling clip show??? especially when i heard it was gonna be kind of a murder mystery??? but this is so far away from what my mental picture of that was. this movie basically alternates between a really weak framing device with clips from some of the worst howling sequels and random b-roll of a bar with some extremely bad live country music and people line dancing in the dark???
this movie is the whitest thing i have ever seen, and it’s so bad it’s pretty hilarious until it overstays its welcome. but then after all the new “werewolf” footage in the entire damn movie has literally just been p.o.v. with a red filter so aggressive you can’t see what the werewolf is supposed to be looking at, the ending finally gives us a werewolf. it’s the most gloriously bad transformation scene ever into what is clearly a mask they picked up from spirit halloween or something on the day of the shoot, like it’s just so pathetic, and that’s so funny it honestly almost makes the rest of the movie worth it? don’t get me wrong. it doesn’t. but it almost does!! d-rank
the howling: reborn (movie 2011)
… i, uh… i actually kinda like this one?
like, don’t get me wrong. it’s bad. and i find parts of it genuinely infuriating. but the werewolf stuff is fine and the movie’s low brain cell count actually works in its favor considering the kind of story it’s trying to tell.
the most annoying thing about the movie is the protagonist’s overbearing narration constantly spouting the most sophomoric philosophy ever and you just wanna shout at him, “oh my gods, shut up” but he doesn’t, not once. but like… that kind of bad is actually kinda entertaining? most of the other movies in this franchise had me basically tuning them out, so a more engaging kind of badness was actually pretty refreshing.
and yeah, this is a way too late attempt to cash in on the post-twilight boom the paranormal romance genre experienced, but like… it thoroughly doesn’t suck! this movie is populated by extremely pretty 30 year olds playing high schoolers, and most of the horny stuff in this movie is, gulp, actually pretty fucking hot? like, i’m sorry, the scene where the main love interest has the protagonist tied up with her necktie and tells him that if she’s a werewolf he just made a huge mistake by leaving himself at her mercy was fucking hot. i also loved the scene where she was trying to goad him into giving her the bite so she could be a werewolf too.
like, don’t get me wrong, the writing was frequently awful, and there was a lot about this movie i found genuinely infuriating, but i think it’s probably my favorite howling sequel and i was super not expecting that. c-rank
an american werewolf in london (movie 1981)
ok, like. this is a good movie. i know this is a good movie. the writing, acting, cinematography, pacing, makeup & effects, all of it is basically beyond reproach. i also kinda love how high-key horny it is, even if it’s painfully normie horny. there’s a lot to like here.
i just. considering i now consciously find all the werewolf transformations & maulings way more horny, i wanted to like this a lot better this time around, and i’m still just feeling like “yeah, this is a good movie” and that’s it. idk. i get why a lot of people think it’s the best werewolf movie ever, but i’m just not there.
all the heavy guilt & suicide stuff really weighed this down for me. i know it’s kinda the point, but idk guys. the werewolf carnage in this ruled, i just wish we had spent more time on it. but like, this is less a criticism and more just an expression of preference, an explanation of why i’m not more over the moon (... heh) for this movie.
it’s a good movie. it’s just not for me. and that’s okay. b-rank
an american werewolf in paris (movie 1997)
huh. no, i double checked, and the cover definitely says “an american werewolf” not “american pie werewolf.” weird.
look, this is really bad. and i don’t appreciate american werewolf in london’s greatness as much as i’d like to, so i’d be a pretty easy mark for a really bad but fun werewolf movie that had nothing to do with it. instead, this is clearly still tied to the first movie with the whole walking, talking corpseghostwhatever situation going on. but it’s just really bad. d-rank
teen wolf (movie 1985)
i’m actually a little in awe of how thoroughly teen wolf delivers on just about everything you might expect when you hear its premise. dork who gets bullied? check. said dork is pining away for an unattainable girl? check. he has another friend who is pining away for him while he’s pining away for her? you bet. his newfound powers make him good at sports which results in him becoming uber popular which results in him being kind of a dick to people in his life? totally. inspired by a newfound sense of humanity, he plays the championship game without his powers and helps his teammates discover that it turns out the basketball was inside them all along? that would be telling. (also, yes.)
so, okay, there’s actually a key point at which this could’ve been a much more predictable, and (if you ask me) probably a much worse movie: michael j. fox’s character could’ve hidden his werewolf nature at all costs and most of the dramatic tension in the film could’ve been about him being in various social situations trying not to wolf out. a lot of other movies would’ve taken exactly that course, and i probably would’ve fallen asleep. (though, maybe not, because this movie is so quirky in other ways that i can’t imagine it being “normal” even if it had taken that route.)
there are definitely some things here that bug the crap out of me (casual homophobia, the fact that the film had to make such a big deal out of michael j. fox’s character snubbing the pretty/popular girl at the end), but it’s all pretty standard-issue 1980s hollywood stuff which i’m pretty much always prepared for when watching a movie like this. it wasn’t nearly enough to ruin it.
as hot as it was seeing a werewolf dominate basketball games, though, the wolf makeup was pretty fucking ugly. he didn’t even have a snout! disappointing.
also i kind of hate how in both of these movies the protagonist has to learn humility by not being a werewolf. werewolves fucking rule! you shouldn’t be ashamed of being a werewolf if you are one, you should come here and maul the fuck outta me!
i mean, yeah, these movies are hardly the worst offender in that regard. like especially in older movies you just want to groan out loud at all the guilt & angst people have about transforming into hot furries once a month. but it’s still disappointing to see both of these movies go from “werewolves are awesome!! fuck yeah!!” to “actually you should try not being a werewolf.” just not my vibe, man! b-rank
teen wolf too (movie 1987)
they made the same movie again but not quite as good and with just some bizarre casting choices. the protagonist is new, but he brought the old protagonist’s dad along with him as a father figure for some reason? and the old protagonist’s basketball coach and one of his basketball teammates ended up as the new protagonist’s… boxing teammates? because that makes any kind of sense. and they also decided that stiles was just an irreplaceable character so they recast him as a guy who looked & acted absolutely nothing like him.
… kay? like, don’t get me wrong, i kind of don’t care. it’s not like the first movie was amazing or anything. it’s just that a lot of truly bizarre choices went into the making of this sequel. like, the returning characters are basically the ones that made the least sense, and it’s pretty blatantly obvious it was just because they could get the actors? again, though, it’s fine. i don’t care that much about either movie, and i had a good enough time watching this one.
oh literally the only thing i liked about the sequel better than the original is the twist where the one teacher that’s consistently looking out for the protagonist turns out to be a werewolf herself. that ruled. c-rank
ginger snaps (movie 2000)
the first time i saw this movie i kind of hated it, which was disappointing because i had been looking forward to seeing it for a long time based on everything i had heard? the second time i saw it i liked it a lot better but was still super turned off by the overall grossness (and bizarre hairlessness???) of some of the werewolf stuff. and like, on my third viewing yeah that’s still kind of where i’m at? but i still feel like i appreciated the movie as an experience a whole lot more this time around.
like, this isn’t the dumb werewolf movie “but make it girl” that i was looking for the first time i saw it, but i’m in a place in my life and taste in media now where i’m way more apt to appreciate a hyper-violent movie about some traumatized, disaffected goths and their weirdly murder-enabling hallmark channel mother dealing with one of them turning into a werewolf. i do wish movies with this general structure didn’t literally always require the “good”/more submissive girl offing the “bad”/more dominant girl, because that really smacks of anxiously reestablishing the patriarchal status quo in a movie that’s otherwise thematically interested in kicking that status quo in the balls, but what are you gonna do.
oh, also: if you’re remotely uncomfortable with explicit depictions of animal deaths, give this one a miss. one of us had to tap out, and tbh it also sours my opinion of the movie considerably. c-rank
ginger snaps 2: unleashed (movie 2004)
this stands on its own surprisingly well, despite being a movie that’s rather explicitly about the wreckage & trauma the first movie left behind. ginger appearing as a ghost/memory to taunt b about her transformation was really not an element i was expecting, and i think it was pretty effective. i also liked it better than the ghosts in the american werewolf series because her primary aim seemed to be to try to get b to surrender to her werewolf side, and obviously as i’ve said i’m not a big fan of werewolf movies that are mostly about a werewolf being guilty that they’re a werewolf. werewolf guilt isn’t entirely absent from this movie, don’t get me wrong. but b is more afraid of losing herself than she is guilty.
like the first movie this was rather gnarly, with b dosing herself with literal poison to try to keep her wolf at bay, lots of folks getting torn apart limb from limb, blood everywhere, and quite a bit of sexual assault. that last bit comes about because the movie finds b locked in a rehab/mental health inpatient clinic and there’s this attractive but gross guy who you can tell is predatory the first time you see him on screen, and he takes advantage of all the addicts in the institution by trading doses of their favored poison (usually less literal than b’s) for coerced sex. and like, obviously i’m a fucking masochistic slut so i found his predatoryness uncomfortably attractive, but don’t get me wrong i was also appropriately grossed out by it.
i honestly liked this way better than the first one? especially since all the werewolf action was with a fully-fledged werewolf assailant rather than mostly relying on ginger’s weird hairless werewolf transformation. also as previously mentioned, i hate when horror movies pull a jennifer’s body and make one girl kill the other, so having that element totally absent was obviously a big plus. b-rank
ginger snaps back: the beginning (movie 2004)
teenage mutant ninja turtles iii. back to the future part iii. men in black 3. insidious: chapter 3. and perhaps most relevantly, underworld: rise of the lycans. do you know what all those threequels have in common? all of them are either set in the past or feature the main characters time traveling to the past, because i guess that’s just what you do with your third movie when you don’t have any other ideas. (heck, we can even include star trek iv: the voyage home on that list, since movies ii-iv in that series are kind of a trilogy within the larger series.) obviously we’re looking at a bit of a mixed bag in terms of how these generally turned out, in the case of ginger snaps back it’s almost worth it for the title alone?
yeah, no, in all seriousness if we didn’t take thematic intent into account, this movie would be just kinda okay? like, it definitely drags a bit in the middle, but there’s some pretty unrestrained werewolf action at times so that definitely helps? like, it’s not as good as the second movie in that department, but it’s still not nothing? when we take thematic intent into account… i mean, the sisters’ ancestors (who look & sound & are named exactly the same as them, idk man, just go with it) are up against a period in history where the patriarchy is even stronger than it is today, and it does some interesting stuff with that, but the end result is a movie that feels very oppressive & unapproachable, which fits but doesn’t really make it a super fun watch? but what really sinks it imo is the super racist depiction of an indigenous dude who initially seems to be their ally but who later b ends up stabbing in the back (metaphorically; she actually stabs him in the front; do you stab with axes? whatever, she does whatever you do with an axe in the front.) apart from that i would otherwise love the direction the movie takes with this version of ginger & b vowing to protect each other before literally mingling their blood to infect b with lycanthropy, but it’s just hard to enjoy it as much as i otherwise would thanks to all the racism. c-rank
—
if you like my writing, please consider subscribing to my patreon to support my work and get an exclusive monthly post voted on by patrons!
No comments:
Post a Comment